Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Donald Sutherland

From whiskey to a very ham-like bacon to the ever majestic shark food, Canada has remained a valuable resource to the United States for a great many things. One of those things is this man's facial hair ...
"Invade this, bitch."
Read more aboot this amazing mustache (see what I did there?), the man who grows it and why his son is always hoarsely yelling, "Where's the bomb?!?!" after the jump ...

Figure A
Figure B
From tiny stubbly staches [Figure A] to a full-blown Dumbledorian display of St. Nickery [Figure B], this man has both the power to terrify or comfort his audiences - which ever the mustache deems necessary. 

You wish you looked this cool at his age.
A career path fitted quite suitably for the fully bearded bloke, Donald Sutherland originally planned to work as an engineer. After double majoring in engineering and drama, his whispering 1970s mustache got the best of his senses and he took off on the Sutherland family moose towards his dreams of American stardom.

The most elegant form of travel: Mooseback.
Handed down from his great grandfather Guillaume Cedric Sutherland, the 156-year-old moose collapsed dead upon crossing the U.S. border, leaving a young Donald to find his way to Hollywood on foot. Through his travels he starred in such films as M*A*S*H, The Dirty Dozen, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (the one with Spock and Dr. Ian Malcolm).

"There's a logical explanation for this.  The Enterprise experienced problems very similar."
"Yes, Spock, but when the Enterprise breaks down the members of starfleet don't eat the tourists."

"Truly this will be the first great train robbery."
Donald's career took off as fast as his facial hair grew. Starring alongside the likes of Charles Bronson and Sean Connery, life was good and the years of popularity brought him prodigious rewards, prestigious awards and egregious hoards of women. And then more women. And eventually, this:


Remember the Space Jam flavor?
It was an unusually warm Saturday in Toronto when a young Kiefer Sutherland was handed a Flintstone's push-up. Excited at the prospects of delicious orange sherbet, Kiefer anxiously pushed up on the stick which then stuck. After impatiently twisting the resisting stick, the bottom gave way and the frozen treat shot out of its cardboard rationing device like an abruptly awakened shrew lunging violently from the nest to protect her newborn pups. To this day no one knows the real reasons for Donald's son Kiefer always yelling things at the top of his lungs.  It could be that event.  He might have a voice modulation problem.  Maybe he's partially deaf in both ears, but one thing is certain, he could use a mustache again.

"Vampire?  What gave it away...the mustache?"

"My book, my tea, and children trying to kill each other
one by one. My three favorite things."
Recently, Donald has been enjoying some downtime relaxing and taking up small bit roles in tiny, unheard of films like the quiet indie flick The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, where he plays the future's most beloved leader, President Snow.

Look out ladies, a v-neck with no undershirt.
With a good sense of humor always intact, here Donald expresses the difference between a clean shave and a full-on Kenny Loggins beard with locks. 

As each passing decade brings us a new set of fuzzy Donald Sutherland bristles to respectfully revere or disdainfully rebuke, certainly we can all agree on one simple fact ... no one wants to be on the bad side of this mustache:


Goodnight!  Sleep tight!  
Don't be ashamed of your love for mustache.
Tell your friends about this mustache!
 Trust me, they wanna know.

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