Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Dustin Hoffman

Well this one just seemed inevitable.

"Prepare to die, Peter Pan"
We're gonna get a little serious on this one, because it's very near to my heart.  Oh yes, it's Hook time, and Hooktime is placed mysteriously close to my recent apostrophe, I mean epiphany* that Hook not only bombed at the box office but apparently it's, like THE WORST F@#$%!G MOVIE EVER MADE.  Join me in this discovery right after the jump...

At least according to the critics it's awful.  According to the general public it's not that bad.

"Prepare to die in a magazine, Peter Pan!"
Regardless, neither of those scores are even close to the amount of ravishing revere I resoundingly and irrevocably reserved for Hook as a child, and I grew to admire the film as an adult.

Speilberg: "I really wish you would stop doing this, D.""

Now, side bar here:  

I didn't see Terminator Salvation in theaters when it came out.  I was at the Majestic Theatre's Palladium and was served friggin' martinis when I saw Terminator Salvation.  

"Come with me if you want to enjoy $13"
So I think you will understand the amount of nerdligigglities that erupted from my core when John Connor took out a mid '90s boombox and played "You Could Be Mine" by Guns 'n Roses to F#$%&^@G CATCH A TERMINATOR ON WHEELS AND GUT IT LIKE A FISH SO HE CAN RIDE IT LIKE A MOTORCYCLE.

Point being, after I came *cough* home from that theater feeling victorious and singing along to the Danny Elfman-take on Brad Feidel's BADAM BAM BADUM!, I got up the next morning to hear the world chant for days about the plot holes, and the script re-writes. 

"What'd you say about my mamma?"
The amount Christian Bale got involved to flesh out a non-existent John Connor part was insane, and the fact that Christian Bale had to do that was just absurd to begin with! Why would the focus of the film not be on John Connor in the first place, people?!

"Do you wanna I got these scars?"
What I pretty much found out: they were right.  These people I usually disagree with had forced me to reluctantly agree.  I admit now that it is very hard, without alcohol anyway, to make it through Terminator SalvationDanny Elfman's theme music now makes me a little sad when I hear it.
But back to what we were talking about...
Hook is not that way for Luke.  When I hear the film's opening piano music I still get the chills.  When I hear the horns I throw my popcorn into the air because I know exactly what it's all leading me to:

"Yes, yesss...gooood Peyt-aarr.  Let the hate floooow..."


Admit it.  You want to be Dustin Hoffman's mustache.  I'd shy away from that dude who gets thrown in the box with the scorpions.  We'll save that for Glenn Close.  (I know!)

"We're doin' what now?"
My conclusion: after the two-hour marker Hook had taken off, or lost (some at the same time), his red satin coat, most of his other clothing, his carpet, his blue whale-sized black hair piece, his friggin' hook, probably his sanity...

"Stop it, Dustin!" "My not 'Dustin'"
 ...but he never lost the 'stache.  And that my friends, is why the world is wrong about Hook.  His famous.  Mustache. Rufio...Rufio.
          HOOK: I'm...not quite sure what I'm supposed to do here, Peter.
          PETER PAN: I know exactly what you're talking about.
          HOOK: Really?
          PETER PAN: I just came from a jungle full of children.  Where the frack did I get this golden sword?
          HOOK: There are mermaids here.
          PETER PAN: Point taken.
          HOOK: But seriously, what are we supposed to do now?  I mean, 'damnit Smee, the carpet' happened like, at least four hours ago.
          PETER PAN: Well, just take off that ridiculous wig and...maybe we can call this all a draw.
          HOOK:  Because I really didn't mean what I've done and I - wait what?
          PETER PAN: Just take the wig off.  And it's over.
          HOOK: Seriously? I...even after the -
          PETER PAN: Even after the Rufio thing.  No one liked him any way.
          CHUBBY BLACK KID: Oh there you are Pe-
          PETER PAN: I will murder your children's children if you say that one more-
          HOOK: (wig-less) There.
          PETER: Whoah.  You...are one ugly old man.  Look out for that rickety four hundred ton crocodile you're standing directly beneath.
          HOOK: What the f-
                                         DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPEILBERG

And besides, when all is said and done I have to ask: what would the world be like without...Captain James Hook's mustache?

*see what I did there?

Don't be ashamed of your love for mustache.
Tell your friends about this mustache!
Trust me, they wanna know.

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